


Simulacrum

by TheHomestuckWhovian



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Clones, Kuron gets to be happy, M/M, POV Second Person, Unrequited Love, eventually, yeah I think this counts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 08:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11847675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHomestuckWhovian/pseuds/TheHomestuckWhovian
Summary: He kept you from being killed, but he doesn't care about you. He hasn't said a word about it, but you know him like the back of your hand, because while you've only really known him for a little time, you recall so much more than that. Matt hates you, hates the distress you causedhim, hates the way your existence makes everything more complicated, hates that you could have been the downfall of Voltron, of his little sister.You don't blame him. You have grown to hate yourself too.





	Simulacrum

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this story to the Supernova Discord, who got to see it as I developed it. This was so much fun to write and I am really glad I got it done.

It's...it's really pretty surprising, how much an outside view allows you to notice. If you were in _his_  position, you are certain you wouldn't be able to see at all. Because that is just how _he_ is, and how you are.

Matthew Austen Holt looks at _him_ with absolute adoration, and it killed you a little, seeing that fondness and love dissolve into suspicion and anger when his gaze fell upon you.

He kept you from being killed, but he doesn't care about you. He hasn't said a word about it, but you know him like the back of your hand, because while you've only really known him for a little time, you recall so much more than that. Matt hates you, hates the distress you caused _him_ , hates the way your existence makes everything more complicated, hates that you could have been the downfall of Voltron, of his little sister.

You don't blame him. You have grown to hate yourself too.

* * *

You have a name now. But that name kills you a little to hear it, despite you being the one to suggest it. Keith and Pidge use it without hesitation, and Matt does the same. Hunk and Lance avoid using it until absolutely necessary, and Lance has even encouraged you to find a new name, one that marks you as your own person.

You haven't bothered, because you know it is a futile quest. You have barely any memories of your own, and those were all mostly made on the assumption that you were _him_.

 _He_ refuses to use the name, in what _he_ perceives as a kindness. You don't understand how _he_ can show you any sort of kindness. Your presence only caused problems for _his_ team. You made _his_ brother's time as leader difficult, made him doubt himself. You made them unable to trust _him_ when _he_  first came back.

You wonder how flawed you must have been, because when _he_ came back, _he_ knew just what to say to reassure Keith, _his_ words helping Keith more than you ever could. And you guess every memory in the world couldn't change the fact that you are just a poor imitation in a stupid haircut. So you've stopped trying.

You remain silent, avoid interaction except for at meal times. Avoid the control room when Voltron goes to fight, even though every part of you is tense and unable to focus on anything until you hear the victory cheers from Lance, signaling they returned safely.

Even knowing the reasons behind it are false, you still care. You care about all of them, but you also know when you aren't wanted and thus stay out of their way.

You hurt them badly enough already.

* * *

Your Galra arm has been removed and, despite the inconvenience, you feel reassured. Because you hated that arm with every fiber of your being, and you have no doubt that, if _he_ had another option, _he_ would have abandoned the arm too.

You offered to assist Pidge in creating a new arm for _him_ , testing prototypes so _he_ could be surprised. She regarded you suspiciously, and you nearly left, accepting that she didn't want your help. She stopped you however, deciding that it wasn't too bad of an idea.

She involves Hunk, because she is more programming and computer oriented while Hunk is better with the mechanics and execution of a blue print. The two talk about things you barely understand, and Hunk suggests taking apart your old prosthetic, to get an idea of the technology they'd need, or an alternative. They don't want anything too similar to the Galra arm, but they would have a better understanding of how they could recreate the same connection between the prosthesis and the wearer.

Inside is a tracker, and suddenly your existence makes a little more sense.

Hunk crushes it underneath his foot, looking irritated, but not at you. Pidge sighs, almost with relief, and gets back to work designing the arm. Neither say a word to you about it, and you aren't certain how to feel about that.

* * *

Each prototype feels strange and different. Some don't react at all when you try to move them. Others react too quickly, or too roughly, and Pidge tries not to laugh when that happens, instead making notes with Hunk about improvements. When Lance ends up in on the surprise, he does laugh, patting your shoulder as you flush with embarrassment at knocking over something.

The plan is to test prototypes on you until one works close to, if not almost exactly like your original, then design it to look aesthetically pleasing, which is where Lance comes in. You aren't needed as much for that, but you are invited to offer your own opinions. No one says anything, but you read the hidden meaning behind that.

It's a slow process, between creating prototypes, testing them, and throwing them out, and between that there is also Voltron battles and such. But, while progress is slow, you see it coming together quite a bit.

Eventually, a prototype works. You move it and it feels almost as if it is the real thing. The three cheer, and Pidge carefully removes it, noting some features she wants to add. She asks you your opinion on putting some Galra technology in the hand, if only to allow _him_  to keep a very useful function of _his_ arm. Activating Galra technology is an important feature, but they have Keith if necessary.

You simply shrug. In your opinion, you just want one that isn't a weapon the Galra created, intended to hurt and destroy. You think _he_ feels the same way, but you also know that your arm was created specifically to hurt the people you care about, so perhaps _he_  feels less strongly about it. You don't know. The two of you rarely talk and compare notes.

Pidge doesn't question your response much. She simply thanks you for the assistance. She doesn't call you the name you claimed in a moment of bitterness and self-hatred.

You smile at her and tell her that _he_ will love the new arm.

You think that, maybe, the smile she gives you in return is genuine.

* * *

You are sitting in the lounge, attempting to work through a book in Altean. You have been practicing in your vast amounts of free time, and you have gone from completely lost to vague comprehension now.

The door slides open and Matt enters, waving goodbye to _him_ , who you see heading down the hall. He sighs fondly, before turning his head and noticing you. You duck your head to avoid the expression he gives, because you know it would hurt too much.

He sits as far from you as possible, pulling out a tablet and working on a programming project. Finally, you look up at him and speak.

"You're in love with him, aren't you?"

Matt's head snapped up to look at you, and his face flushes as he stammers, "W-What?"

You give him a sad smile, answering, "Shiro. You're in love with Shiro."

It feels wrong, using that name to describe someone else. Because part of you still applies that name to yourself, still thinks of yourself as Takashi Shirogane. But you know you aren't. _He_ is, and you have to accept it even if it hurts you.

Matt blinks, then asks, "How do you know that?"

You shrug, admitting, "I just remember how you act, when you have a crush on someone. I know they aren't my memories, but I still can recognize some things." You look at him, starting to panic, and quickly add, "I also know that he probably doesn't know."

"How can you be sure about that?" Matt sounds a little worried and panicked, obviously thinking that no one would notice. You feel guilty, worried that you just made things worse for him. Sometimes you think you should just keep your mouth shut. That would probably make things easier for everyone. But you already started, so you might as well take this through to the end.

"Because I also know how oblivious he is," you assure him, a little sheepishly even though you aren't talking about yourself. You know that tendency probably applies to you, to be honest. "I only noticed seeing it as a third party."

Matt takes a deep breath, noticeably relaxing. "Good. Good. That...that is absolutely right. Thank god."

There is silence for a moment, as you think about what to say next. You consider all the options. You know that _he_ won't say anything, too scared of potential consequences and too oblivious to see how unlikely those consequences are. You know that Matt won't without any encouragement, remembering how _he_ had to motivate him to act in previous incidents when he felt something for anyone. There was also the matter of how much you know it will hurt you, seeing them happy together. A lot of things came along with  _his_ memories, and one was your certainly less-than-platonic feelings.

But another thing you got from _him_ was the need to put others before yourself, so you bottle everything up and speak.

"You should tell him."

Matt scoffs. "No. I'm not risking everything for a dumb crush." He glances at you, asking, "Why do you even care?"

You don't hesitate, replying, "You both deserve to be happy, Matt. And I believe you both will be if you tell him."

He looks at you, looking unsure and a little scared, and you do give him a reassuring smile. You don't think it is as helpful as when _he_ smiles, because you know you are just a poor imitation and he knows that too, but he takes a deep breath and nods.

"Okay. I'll think about it."

...Better than nothing, you guess.

* * *

You arrive early to dinner and find Hunk inside, working on the food. He sees you and waves you over.

"You want to taste test?" he offers, and you agree, not having much else to do.

It's all delicious in your opinion, though Hunk is critical down to the slightest issue in texture. He smiles when you compliment his cooking, and you manage a smile back. For a moment, things don't feel complicated. You can just enjoy good food and show one of these kids that you have grown fond of how much you appreciate his talent.

They are all too young to be involved in this war. You know that, and you know that _he_ knows that too. But there is nothing you can do at this point. They have to fly Voltron because no one else can.

You look at Matt and you can tell he wishes he could free them of this lifelong responsibility. You wish for the same. But neither of you can pilot a Lion, so you have to leave it to them.

You don't say any of this to Hunk. You simply smile at him when he finally decides the food is perfect.

* * *

You don't tell anyone about the flashbacks.

Those memories are not your own, but they haunt you. They leave you waking up in the middle of the night, shaking and close to sobs. They overtake you sometimes, and you don't always understand what triggers them. Sometimes you find yourself barely able to breathe because of them.

They are not your memories, but that doesn't stop them from feeling real.

You say nothing, because you recognize that you have no real right to ask for help. You didn't really go through that experience. You didn't really get the scars you have through battle after battle after battle.

So you shut your mouth and pretend that those memories don't hurt you.

* * *

You hear Keith in the training room and leave a water bottle next to his jacket, walking away before he notices.

You see Pidge passed out over her laptop and, as best as you can with one arm, haul her to bed.

You compliment Hunk's cooking whenever you get the chance.

You tell Lance he looks great when he arrives to dinner with make-up and ask for advice.

You remind Allura to get some sleep.

You listen with your full attention as Coran tells his stories.

You know it doesn't mean as much, because you are not _him_ , but you do care about them. You care about them so much it hurts. And even if the reason for caring about them isn't genuine, even if they don't care for you in return and see you as just a clone, you don't care. Because they are the only thing in the universe you have, and you will show how much you care until you can't anymore. And, unlike _him_ , you can afford to give away pieces of yourself until there is no more left to give.

At this point, it is the only thing you can do.

* * *

After a hard battle, _he_ ends up in a pod, jumping in the way of an attack meant for Lance. You see Matt work himself until he passes out, and you see Lance hide in his room with guilt, and you decide it's time to talk to _him_.

Pidge and Keith are passed out on the floor, with pillows tucked under their heads and blankets thrown over them as best as you could do with one arm, when the pod hisses open. You go to help _him_ , but _he_ catches himself, and you approach quiet.

"Takashi?"

 _His_ head snaps up, and _he_ seems surprised. You don't blame him. You have never referred to _him_ out loud by _his_ name. You can't even think of _him_ with that name.

You take a deep breath and began, "You should tell him."

 _He_ tilts _his_ head in confusion before _his_ eyes widen, realizing what you meant. _He_ goes to argue before you interrupt.

"You almost died today," you tell _him_ , your voice more firm than you have managed since you learned the truth about yourself. "You have to tell him because being a Paladin might kill you one day, and then he'll never know. You can't put this off."

"...I don't know if I can," _he_ admits, his voice shaking. "I...I don't know how he could even trust me after what I did to him, much less...feel anything."

"Does Matt look at you at all the way he looks at me?" you ask, and _he_ shakes _his_ head. "Then there you go. He trusts you, Shiro. I can promise you that."

 _He_ bites _his_ lip, then nods, still looking nervous. _He_ looks at you, then notes, "We need to find a better name for you."

You know it's a losing argument, telling _him_ you don't have an identity of your own, that part of you can't help but latch onto a name that is not yours, and will never be yours. You know _he_ can be stubborn though, so you shrug. _He_ seems to take that as a victory.

* * *

You are walking through the halls after a nightmare and find Matt and _him_ in the hallway, kissing. Matt's tugging _him_ down by _his_ vest, and you can see the tear stains on his face.

You pretend that it doesn't crack your heart in two as you turn and walk the other way, heading back into your empty and desolate room and closing the door behind you.

You lean back against the door, sliding down until you are on the ground, and you can't stop the strangled sob that pulls itself from your chest as you finally break, bringing your remaining hand to your face to muffle to sound so no one hears you, especially not _him_.

It hurts more than you thought it would. God, it hurts and you hate yourself for being unable to be happy for them. For sobbing because _he_ did what you insisted _he_ do and it went well. For being unable to get over these feelings that aren't even yours.

You want nothing more than to distance yourself from this identity that isn't yours, from these memories that aren't yours, from these crippling feelings that aren't yours. You aren't _him_ and you'll never be _him_ and you both desperately want to be _him_ and not at the same time.

It occurs to you that your brain might be more of a mess than _his_ was, and that would be funny if it weren't so sad.

You just wish you had never been released, never been created, never been a thought in the minds of the Galra scientists who schemed to destroy the people you can't help but care for. You wish you could just leave, make yourself less of a burden, but you have nowhere to go. You are stuck here, useless and pathetic, and everything around you is falling apart. You have nothing to cling to as you are sent adrift, and everything threatens to pull you under completely until you can't hold your breath anymore.

What are you supposed to do?

* * *

It's Lance who comes to get you the next day. Your back hurts from sleeping sitting up against the door, having fallen into an uneasy sleep after you had no tears left to cry, and you want nothing more than to ignore his insistence that you come and see the progress on _his_ arm. Instead, however, you nod in agreement and follow him to the workshop, where Pidge and Hunk are, holding a prosthetic arm.

It looks amazing, white metal with glowing blue accents. The joints are all black and made of more flexible material, and it occurs to you that it is purposely designed to fit the Black Paladin armor.

"Want to test it out?" Pidge offers, and you nod, allowing her to help you put it onto your stump. You move through the testing exercises silently, and Hunk writes down notes as Pidge hums thoughtfully. Finally, she carefully removes it, noting, "Just a few adjustments need to be made and then we'll be ready to give it to Shiro."

"It's incredible, you guys," you tell them, smiling warmly. "I'm sure he'll love it." You know _he_ would love it even if it was the most hideous piece of technology you had ever seen and moved horribly. Because they all put in the effort to create it and you love them for that. _He_ would certainly love them for that.

Pidge gives you a sideways smile, saying, "Thanks Kur-" She stopped halfway through the name, a hesitance she had never shown before when using it. Finally, she simply says, "Thanks."

You think that perhaps you should choose another name, if only so they wouldn't feel so bad by calling you what you are.

* * *

You are reading in the lounge again when Matt enters with _him_ , their hands intertwined. They are looking at each other so happily and lovingly that you hate yourself even more for the pang in your heart. Instead, you focus your attention on your book, struggling through the Altean mentally as the two notice you are in there and quickly let go of each other, their faces flushed red. They sit on the couch with enough room between them for Jesus to just stroll up and sit down and pretend not to be glancing at each other, clearly worried for some reason about showing any affection around you.

You wonder if they know about your feelings about the situation. You hope not.

It is only a few awkward moments later that you sigh and look up, saying, "You two should at least keep holding hands instead of eye-fucking each other."

 _He_ lets out a strangled noise of embarrassment and Matt snorts, scooting closer and taking _his_  hand in his with a smile on his face. The balance restored, you returned to your book, because it was easier to distract yourself from your heartbreak when the two of them aren't both fucking gone over each other and pretending they aren't in some terrible attempt of making you feel better.

The door opens again and Pidge and Keith walk in, talking about training, before their eyes land on _him_ and Matt.

"Oh my god, finally!" Pidge dramatically announces, flopping onto the couch. "I thought I was going to have to listen to Matt pine forever! You know how long he could go on about your abs? There was so much pine I thought Matt was the real Guardian of the Forest."

"Wha-Wh-Pidge!" Matt shouted, his face a vibrant red color. You let out a tiny snort at Pidge's lamenting, and Keith just gives Pidge a deadpan stare.

"Shiro was worse," he noted blankly. _He_ lets out an indignant squawk at that, and this time you do laugh. Keith's eyes turn to you and he raises an eyebrow, almost as if challenging you to argue.

Pidge scoffs. "I doubt that."

This leads to the most amusing argument you've ever seen, as two younger siblings argue over which of their elder brothers pined more. Said older brothers slowly got more and more tomato-like and finally you can't hold in your laughter any more.

You bury your face in your book, laughter bubbling out of your chest. You are practically shaking as you cackle at their antics. They all look concerned for a moment relaxing as you set your book aside, unable to continue in your state.

Finally you manage to force out, "Shiro's worse. He's better at hiding it."

Pidge gasps. "Betrayal!"

 _He_ sighs and looks at Matt, muttering, "I don't think we'll be able to escape this."

"They'll tire out eventually, babe."

You recognize the spark in both Pidge and Keith's eyes and shake your head, knowing that no, they won't tire out any time soon. You shoot _him_ a sympathetic look and _he_ sighs in defeat, accepting _his_ fate.

* * *

You hear Keith training while walking through the halls late at night and peek in.

You still can't help but be impressed by how talented he is, and how much he improves constantly. You know he isn't your brother, but you still feel that pride in your chest at the sight of him doing so well. There is also guilt, because you know, when they brought you here, you made things difficult for him. Conflicting orders, contesting his leadership at the worst points, putting pressure on him. That might be why he remains the one person who you find yourself not talking to at all.

He cleanly slashes through the gladiator, which dissolves into sparkles of light as he does, and glances at the door, noticing you immediately. His bayard retracts to its idle form, but you don't miss how he doesn't lower it. You know Keith too well to assume he'd do anything else.

"What do you want, Kuron?" he asks, and you do your best not to wince. You were the one who suggested that name but it still hurts.

"Nothing," you answer, shrugging. "I was just observing." And, before you forget, "You are doing great, by the way."

He scowls, and you guess you don't blame him. Keith is less quick to trust, and you don't deserve it anyway.

So instead, you say, "I'm sorry, for what I did during your time as leader. I pressured you and created a rift in the team. I undermined your leadership, and I'm sorry for that. I never meant to make things difficult for you." You focus on the ground, adding, "I know you don't like me, or my presence here. I...I would leave if I could. It would probably make everything easier on you guys."

There is silence. Dead silence. And you wonder for a moment if you said something wrong, if you made him mad. You don't even realize he has lowered his bayard until he speaks.

"You feel like you don't belong, huh?" Keith remarked, and you look up. He gives you a weak smile and pulls out his knife, showing you the symbol for the Blade of Marmora as he says, "I guess that's something we have in common."

You wince in sympathy. You can remember his face when he learned the truth, and Allura's cold glare that lasted for so long. You know that _he_ wished _he_ could have done something to help the tension, to provide support for Keith during that time, but _he_ was struggling in _his_ own way with the realization.

You feel understanding, now knowing what it is like.

"It sucks, doesn't it?" you remark, laughing a little bitterly.

He nods as he puts away his knife. "Yeah. It really does." He shrugged. "I had to go on a self-sacrificing mission to earn everyone's trust...but I don't suggest doing that?"

You smile. "I'll keep that in mind, Keith."

There is a pause before Keith notes, "Seriously though. Shiro is self-sacrificing enough. If you start pulling that bullshit because of something I said, I'll probably kill you myse-"

You snort, promising, "Okay, no self-sacrifice unless absolutely necessary. Good?"

Keith's eyes narrow, as if he doesn't believe you, before he nods. "Alright."

* * *

"Hey, what's your favorite color?" Pidge asks you spontaneously one day, and you don't even hesitate.

"Black like my soul." You don't even look up from your dish, continuing to eat food goo as if you hadn't made the comment in the first place.

Hunk nearly chokes on his food goo at that, and _he_ laughs a little at the comment. You think you can hear Matt mutter a tiny, "Same" but you aren't sure.

And then, Keith of all people says, "You can't spell kuron without kuro."

There is absolute silence for a moment, and everyone side-eyes Keith with panicking eyes. He seems to realize he said that out loud and opens his mouth to apologize.

You crack up.

Everyone looks at you with surprise as you laugh, before Hunk joins in, followed soon after by Lance and Pidge. Keith seems to relax, though the concern doesn't leave his face even as you manage to calm down from your outburst.

You hate the name, but that joke makes it hurt a little less, for just a moment.

Afterwards, _he_ approaches, asking you, "Have you considered another name for yourself?"

"...No," you admit, shrugging helplessly. You don't explain why. You aren't ready to admit that part of you still insists on the wrong name, the name that didn't belong to you and would never belong to you. You aren't ready to admit that you feel like it's the only name you really deserve. You aren't ready to admit that you still don't feel like you have your own identity.

In a way, _he_ seems to understand without you saying a word, and simply tell you, "Let us know if you find a name you'd prefer us to call you."

* * *

You find you are getting desensitized to the PDA from the pair that Pidge had amusingly started referring to as Shatt.

At first it hurt every time, but now you only get the occasional minor stab to the heart when you see the two of them dote on each other in the most ridiculous and almost hilariously over-the-top way.

You have accepted since long before that night in the hall that Matt would never like you that way (technically _he_  had convinced _himself_ of that before you were even a cell, but that was just pining-crippled thoughts getting to _him_ ). And yes, seeing Matt happy in a relationship with a person whose identity you still can't fully separate yourself from hurts a lot. It really does. But desensitization is a thing, and after seeing the two of them kiss for the fifty billionth time, all you really feel is a slight ache and a bit of secondhand embarrassment.

The others are getting irritated with the frequent PDA. Pidge groans a bit when they are super affectionate, Hunk looks embarrassed for them, Lance makes jokes to make the situation less awkward, and Keith sometimes just glares at his brother and says, " _Stop_."

Allura will sometimes give them a look when they are being too affectionate during a debriefing. If they are truly being annoying, sometimes someone will sic Coran on them, and he'll share a story about a strange and exciting love affair he had at one time (you don't think Coran is dumb. In fact, you think he might actually be coming up with some of those stories on the spot for the express purpose of doing so). 

Honestly, you are glad that it isn't just you. Because that would make you feel even more like shit now.

Pidge complains about it as she and Hunk work on the finishing touches of _his_ arm, saying, "I can't believe the end of the pining made Matt more annoying."

You laugh at that.

* * *

You finally consider looking at names.

If only because it is getting annoying that they all keep referring to you as, "you," now. Even Keith has abandoned use of your temporary name, and that just makes things inconvenient when people are trying to get your attention.

You still don't feel quite right, taking a name that isn't the one the one you recall as your own, but you know you have no right to that name, and, since it is clear no one, including yourself, is up for using the hated word anymore, you need to find an alternative before you miss something important because you didn't realize they were talking to you.

Somehow, Lance has gotten himself involved. You're still not sure how exactly.

"What about Sven?" he suggests, a smirk on his face. You cringe at the name.

"You mean like the reindeer from Frozen?" you ask, barely able to believe the suggestion. Lance cracks up when you mention that, and you're glad you've managed to entertain him. Still, _Sven_?!

"I didn't even think of that!" He laughs for a moment, before explaining, "No, Sven was this alternate Shiro that we met after we went into an alternate reality a while back."

...Okay then.

You shake your head, explaining, "I definitely don't want that then." You think it won't really help anything if you take a name so closely associated with _him_. You need to separate yourself from _him_ , so taking the name of _his_ alternate self wouldn't really help at all.

Thankfully, Lance seems to understand, and he immediately starts going through other options. He raises suggestions, some more...interesting than others, and you either shoot them down or mark them as a maybe. Most of them still don't feel right, but you blame yourself for that. Part of you still wants to think of yourself with _his_ name, and the idea of just taking a different name still feels weird and wrong. You still struggle with not reacting when someone calls _his_ name.

"Ryou?" Lance suggests, looking up at you.

You think on that one. You remember how when _he_ was little, _he_ used to wish for a little brother, and his name was always Ryou when _he_ used to think of the hypothetical sibling. It's a name that _he_ has never used to refer to _himself_ , but...claiming a name like that...you feel you have to ask _his_ permission. Taking that name would basically be declaring yourself _his_ sibling, and you don't know if _he'd_ be okay with that. You're not even sure _you'd_ be okay with that.

(You decide you'd probably have to ask Keith's permission too. He is _his_ sibling, and declaring yourself _his_ sibling means you'd end up doing the same to Keith. And while Keith may seem more comfortable with you now, you know it takes time for him to get used to things, and you want him to be used to your presence before changing things up so suddenly.)

So you shrug and tell Lance, "Maybe."

* * *

You are getting better at reading Altean.

It's not too surprising. Everything available to read is either handwritten notes by one of the other Paladins, Pidge's diary (and since you don't wish to be murdered, no), and Altean. Immersion does assist in learning languages, after all. You also have way more free time than the Paladins, who are required for Voltron, or Matt, who is either cuddling with _him_ or working on a project of his own at this point. You aren't the best, but you can actually understand written Altean now, so that's something.

You are reading in the lounge when Allura enters, and her eyes light up at the sight of the book in your hands.

"Oh, that was my favorite book when I was younger!" she began excitedly, vaulting over the couch to sit down next to you. "What part are you at?"

Blinking, you look down and say, "She...uh...she just finished battling the...I don't know how to pronounce that but it has a lot of teeth?" You hold the book out to her and she glances over it and nods.

"Yes, they are known to have ten rows of teeth," she answers, and you are about to ask her how to pronounce the name of the creature when she continues, "When you finish, you have to tell me what you thought of it!" She looks so excited and happy at the thought that you can't help but smile back.

"I will," you promise. Then, as an afterthought, "Actually, I'm struggling a bit with the cultural references. Do you think you can help me out there?"

Her smile is vibrant in response. "I can grab my copy and we can work through it together!"

It later occurs to you that you accidentally created a two person Altean book club, but you think about how happy Allura was and you decide that it was a good idea.

* * *

You are called for the final test of _his_ new arm, and it functions perfectly. Pidge and Hunk cheer at the success, and you smile proudly at them. They created something amazing for _him_ and you are proud of how well they've done, and you know that _he_ will absolutely love it.

Pidge carefully helps you remove the arm, wrapping it carefully in some cloth she found, and tells you, "We couldn't have done this without you. At least, not without ruining the surprise. Thanks."

"It's no problem," you tell her, patting her on the shoulder with your remaining arm. "Shiro will be ecstatic."

* * *

"Hey."

You turn to see Matt behind you, and raise an eyebrow. It is rare to see him without _him_ around unless Voltron has been called out, to the point where it doesn't hurt as much anymore to see the two of them together and happy. It barely hurts at all.

"What's up?" you ask, a little concerned. Matt has slowly gotten used to your presence, and even stopped calling you that name, but this is the first time he has actually sought you out. You hope nothing bad has happened.

"Thanks," he simply says, and you blink.

"For what?"

Matt shrugs and answers, "For talking to me and Shiro about...us. We are both really happy, and neither of us would have said anything if you hadn't talked to us about it? Also..." He sighs. "I figured it must have been hard for you. It didn't take much to figure out that with Shiro's memories came...uh..."

"Less-than-platonic feelings?" you fill in. "Matt, I'm not an idiot. I know for a fact that you never would have felt anything for me. Besides, like you said, you both are happy. I want you to be happy, and I can and will put aside my own feelings on the matter for that. Because I know first hand that Shiro adores you so much. You both deserve each other. And I..." You gesture to yourself. "I can live with that."

He nods. "Thanks."

After a moment, you add, "Besides, I'm pretty sure I'm desensitized to your relationship at this point. I never knew either of you were capable of so much PDA."

Matt flushes in embarrassment before snorting. "Alright. Later, man."

"Later."

He walks away, and you see _him_ at the end of the hallway, waiting for Matt. _He_ kisses his cheek before the two hook arms and disappear around a corner, and you realize it doesn't hurt anymore. They are happy, and you? You find that you can now be happy for them.

* * *

You stop _him_ in the hall one day, in another rare moment where _he_ and Matt aren't together, and you finally tell _him_ , "I considered a name."

 _He_ blinks, then smiles. "That's great! What is the name you are thinking of?"

There is a moment of hesitation, before you take a deep breath. Pulling off a Band-Aid, you think to yourself. Just tell _him_ and be done with it. If _he_ doesn't want you to take that name, _he'll_ hopefully tell you. Hopefully (Probably not).

"Ryou."

There is a moment of silence, and _he_ blinks with surprise. Then, _he_ smiles at you.

"That's a good choice," _he_ says cheerfully, and you can't find any hidden meaning in the way _he_ says those words, no matter how hard you try. "I'm happy you managed to find one."

You bring it up, since _he_ won't. "But the history behind the name, for you..."

"I won't get any sort of meaning out of it if you don't want me to," _he_ assures you. "If you want it to mean something, let me know."

You think on it for a moment, before telling _him_ , "Not right now. Maybe in the future, but not now." This is still a first step, in separating yourself from that identity. Plus there is Keith, who you don't want to cause an issue with. You think maybe, once you have gotten to a point where you can think of _him_ with _his_ name, where you no longer think of yourself with that name, where you don't feel like a poor imitation of _him_ , you might want that. But that is some time away, and so right now, you decide no.

 _He_ nods with understanding. "Alright, Ryou."

It doesn't feel like your name. Not yet.

But, with time, you think that maybe it could.

* * *

Lance grabs you while you and Allura are heading to read your book, saying, "We're about to surprise Shiro!"

Allura seems confused, but you grin and gesture for her to follow. You do want to see _his_ reaction to the new arm, even though you have an idea of how happy _he'll_ be about it. Maybe it's partially that you helped them during the process of making it. Or maybe it's because you know how much _he_ deserves to have it, after all the shit that _he's_ been through (that you can't help but partially blame yourself for, but you are getting better about that).

You arrive in the lounge to find Keith is refusing to let _him_ and Matt leave, and all of you sit on the couch at his instructions. Lance is practically bouncing in his seat, and _he_ looks confused (you wonder when Keith got involved in this, then guess that they told him so he could round up _him_ and Matt while Lance grabbed you and Allura). Moments later, Coran arrives and stands next to the door.

Pidge and Hunk follow, and she is holding something rolled in cloth. Hunk is hiding something behind his back, but you barely notice as you focus on _him_ and _his_ confused expression.

Pidge sets the roll on the couch beside _him_ and unrolls it to reveal the arm, shining. You hear _him_ gasp, then look up at everyone. Allura, Matt, and Coran look surprised at the sight, while Pidge, Hunk, and Lance are smiling hopefully. Keith and you are both grinning.

"It's...It's amazing," _he_ whispers.

"Want me to help you get it on?" Pidge offers, and _he_ nods. The Galra arm is quickly disconnected and set to the side, and this new arm is attached to the port fused onto _his_ arm. _He_ quickly tests it out, wiggling _his_ fingers and stretching it out, before a relieved sob finds its way out of _him_. Matt hugs _him_ tightly, and _he_ returns the gesture.

 _He_ finally looks up and says in the most emotional and thankful voice you've ever heard, "Thank you. This...this is incredible."

"Pidge and I put it together," Hunk explained, smiling. "Lance helped with the design, and it was his suggestion to get it to look a bit like the Black Paladin armor. And Ryou was the one who tested all the prototypes and everything to make sure it was perfect."

It's still weird, you decide, hearing your new name. But you are filled with pride at the credit that Hunk gives you, and smile at _him_. Because you know the relief of no longer having to worry about the Galra arm, the anxiety of not knowing all the capabilities, the fear of it being used to hurt the people you care about. And you know what it means to finally have it off, and to never have to use it again.

"Thank you all so much," _he_ says again, and you can see tears of happiness starting to well up in _his_ eyes.

"...We're actually not done," Lance adds, and everyone except Pidge and Hunk look at his shit-eating grin with surprise. Hunk finally pulls what he was hiding from out behind his back. It's another cloth roll, which he hands to Pidge so she can unroll to reveal...another arm...

The metal of this one is black (and suddenly the question about your favorite color makes sense). You can see stretchy blue material covering the joints, and along the top of the arm is the symbol of Voltron, glowing blue like the accents on _his_ arm. There are no accents on yours, and you realize that it doesn't look much like _his_ at all, because it was designed to look different from the color to the shape and design itself.

You take a sharp breath, looking up to see the three of them grinning.

"It's probably really hard doing everything with only one arm after all, isn't it, Ryou," Lance remarks. He looks proud, and you realize that they must have been planning this for a while, down to each little design difference.

Unlike _him_ , you do cry. You let out choked sobs, because part of you still can't believe that this is really for you, that they would do this for you. You don't deserve this gift at all, and here they are, giving it to you out of their own free will. Pidge gently helps you put it on, and you want to hug her tightly. You don't, because you don't think any of you are ready for that, but you do hold your new arm close to your chest as you cry.

"Thank you," you tell them all from the bottom of your heart. "For...for everything. I...thank you."

You don't tell them that you still feel unsure about whether you deserve this. You don't tell them that part of you still doesn't understand how they could give you such an important gift. You don't tell them that you don't feel as if you could ever give them enough in return for this amazing and valuable gift.

But _he_ places _his_ hand on your shoulder and Pidge, Lance, and Hunk do a three-way fistbump, and Allura and Coran smile and Keith gives you an awkward pat on your shoulder and Matt gives you a nod as if to say, "Yes, you can have this. You are allowed to have this."

And maybe, just maybe, you can see yourself being able to accept this. You can see yourself being able to be Ryou, to be able to separate yourself from _him_ and _his_ identity.

You can see yourself being happy.

**Author's Note:**

> I let him be happy, Kit. Eventually.
> 
> This story came to me while doing Shatt Week, but, unlike Shatt Week, I actually got to put it down and work on it later when I got tired. Amazing, right?
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! It started out as Kuron angsting over Matt but it just kind of evolved from there, and I am super glad for that. I hope you guys enjoyed that. Later!


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